Getting old...

working with older wiser and those who have lived a whole lot more than i...
i'm starting to see that, in our hmong community,
i dont know about other communities,
i'm sure they're all the same...

i realize that its not easy being hmong woman and old...
i see those who have been married
for just about ever, the they are lonely in their marriages,
kids are grown with their own families
to tend to, and the husband who has lost interest
and now having companionship with other
women who are looking for a husband to secure their hmong life,
and are single,
due to a death of their significant other or divorce, etc.

its hard...what side of the grass is greener?

the married hmong woman, has the married name,
but her husband is never mentally or physically there?
but they are still called to family functions and they
go together, because, just because the kids expect it
...and she still feels the sadness that he doesnt love her anymore,
and  is enjoying his time and conversations with another...

or is it better to be the single hmong woman, who is ridiculed
and looked down upon by married hmong women, who think
she is looking to steal her husband, but she does have the full attention
of that husband that will talk to her...and they will truly enjoy being
with her...and talking to her, and paying attention to her?

hmong women never win. its such an unhappy life.
we live it, we dont love it, but we dont want to leave it
unsure of what's to come, hate to lose the 'husband' who doesnt
love and appreciate you anymore.

our lives and decisions arent easy, i see it in every stage of
a hmong womans life, i see it in the elders that come to my center
i see it in my mother in laws age group, i see it in those just a tad
older than myself, and of course there is my age group that is coming
to that fate, if not already in it... and then we lose all hope for those who
are getting married and currently so happy to begin their lives together
with the one they chose to marry... it's so sad that i think that marriages
wont last forever...its just temporary, something to do while we're living,
because men are so selfish and we women, will nag and push them to get out,
even though we dont want them to.

its sad to know that for generations and generations,
hmong women never make the decisions,
letting that 'husband' dictate our happiness...
because we are afraid to make a decision
and are afraid that if we make that decision and it becomes
a mistake we can never go back, like 'husbands' can...

i had/have a loving 'vang' family with no known divorces in my immediate
family...but i was very sheltered, i guess, now i'm grown and thrown to see
the real world...its so scary and the truth is always so unhappy and hurtful.
it stabs you over and over but you're still alive, you can't die to stop the pain
you just keep barely making it.

have a great day, and a great life.
because you dont want to always regret.