My request this year it to make it official.
No more LV purse, no more vacation weekend, no more dinner,
we can do that any time we want.
We have come a long way.
At 14 we met, we fell into puppy love.
At 16 we made a life commitment, despite our youth and our families.
At 17 I was working on the ginsing farm with you and your family.
At 18 we brought ThimXa into this world
and then added Izabella, AudreyAna, and Ezekiel to complete our family.
Now at 33, through the good and the bad we've come a long way to have
made it to 17 years of marriage, four children, and a business...
I'm ready and happy that we are going to make it official.
I'm so proud of us.
I can't wait to share our 20th anniversary, on the island, with our closest and dearest family and friends.
We've come so far, worked for so much.
This year, I'm ready and want to share your last name.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Giving up...
Everyday, I find myself finding, knowing, and learning more about life everyday.
My own life, my own families lives, the lives of the strong Hmong women that
have gone through so much, and still live to tell it everyday.
If we can get past this midlife crisis stage and be old, maybe we might be fine.
I don't know what to do, I'm drowning in truth. And the truth hurts. No more
childlike disillusion, no matter how much I try to cover it up, the truth of life
and getting old keeps poking its head up.
You never know, it may happen to you, how will you deal with it? How will you go on?
How can you win this fight for life, with your husband, with your kids, with yourself, with health.
When I think about it, I feel like giving up and think 'what if' I didn't take this path?
What if, I would never had had so many years of good with my husband, with my kids,
with my extended family. What if? What if my life was worse...what if it was better?
When I think about, just let it all fall into fate, then I think to myself, is fate really real?
Or do I manipulate my life to be where I would like it to be, to where I want it to be?
I've come this far, I don't want to just jump off, and fall into the darkness of fate...
I can't jump off, I can't fall now, I have come so far, I must go on, I must climb up
on this cliff, and make the best of my life, wherever it takes me. Letting my life be
what it is, and not live in envy, jealousy, or fear of whats to come or what has happend.
I must learn to just live. Just breathe. No one can be perfect. Nothing can be perfect.
Survive. Don't quit now. Things happen for a reason, and if good things happen, then
accept them humbly, if bad things happen, accept them as obstacles to overcome.
I have to just breathe and live.
I love my husband. I love my kiddies. I love myself. I love life.
My own life, my own families lives, the lives of the strong Hmong women that
have gone through so much, and still live to tell it everyday.
If we can get past this midlife crisis stage and be old, maybe we might be fine.
I don't know what to do, I'm drowning in truth. And the truth hurts. No more
childlike disillusion, no matter how much I try to cover it up, the truth of life
and getting old keeps poking its head up.
You never know, it may happen to you, how will you deal with it? How will you go on?
How can you win this fight for life, with your husband, with your kids, with yourself, with health.
When I think about it, I feel like giving up and think 'what if' I didn't take this path?
What if, I would never had had so many years of good with my husband, with my kids,
with my extended family. What if? What if my life was worse...what if it was better?
When I think about, just let it all fall into fate, then I think to myself, is fate really real?
Or do I manipulate my life to be where I would like it to be, to where I want it to be?
I've come this far, I don't want to just jump off, and fall into the darkness of fate...
I can't jump off, I can't fall now, I have come so far, I must go on, I must climb up
on this cliff, and make the best of my life, wherever it takes me. Letting my life be
what it is, and not live in envy, jealousy, or fear of whats to come or what has happend.
I must learn to just live. Just breathe. No one can be perfect. Nothing can be perfect.
Survive. Don't quit now. Things happen for a reason, and if good things happen, then
accept them humbly, if bad things happen, accept them as obstacles to overcome.
I have to just breathe and live.
I love my husband. I love my kiddies. I love myself. I love life.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Dear Husband,
I dont tell you much, although in my mind I did.
I appreciate you. I love you.
I see and feel everything that you do and did for me.
I loved you when we were just kids.
I still love you so much now.
After 17 years, I'm feeling insecure, because I think we have grown apart,
I dont know how to show you that I love you so much
or worry so much, and at all the wrong times, my anger creeps in,
when I should be forgiving. I know I will work on that.
I'm sorry, I embarrass us from time to time. I'm sorry for my foul
mouth. I know that if I do as you do, say as you say, we won't work.
I have learned so much from the elders that I live and work
with. There has to be patience and then more patience.
The outcome will be better.
We will grow old together. We will love one another.
Please forgive me. I know I am not perfect. I know I
have a short temper. But I am your wife, I will have to
control it more often.
Living Loving & Laughing
We've come so far with eachother.
I want us to go farther with eachother.
Appreciate eachother.
Love eachother.
Forgive eachother.
I love you husband.
I love our life that we've built together.
I love and appreciate everything we've done together,
been through together, and want to share the rest of everything together.
I want to share this with those who are reading it.
I love my husband. I appreciate my husband.
I dont tell you all enough. As with anyone and everyone,
we focus too much on the bad stuff...and forget the good stuff
until we actually sit down to take it in.
* Anoi
I appreciate you. I love you.
I see and feel everything that you do and did for me.
I loved you when we were just kids.
I still love you so much now.
After 17 years, I'm feeling insecure, because I think we have grown apart,
I dont know how to show you that I love you so much
or worry so much, and at all the wrong times, my anger creeps in,
when I should be forgiving. I know I will work on that.
I'm sorry, I embarrass us from time to time. I'm sorry for my foul
mouth. I know that if I do as you do, say as you say, we won't work.
I have learned so much from the elders that I live and work
with. There has to be patience and then more patience.
The outcome will be better.
We will grow old together. We will love one another.
Please forgive me. I know I am not perfect. I know I
have a short temper. But I am your wife, I will have to
control it more often.
Living Loving & Laughing
We've come so far with eachother.
I want us to go farther with eachother.
Appreciate eachother.
Love eachother.
Forgive eachother.
I love you husband.
I love our life that we've built together.
I love and appreciate everything we've done together,
been through together, and want to share the rest of everything together.
I want to share this with those who are reading it.
I love my husband. I appreciate my husband.
I dont tell you all enough. As with anyone and everyone,
we focus too much on the bad stuff...and forget the good stuff
until we actually sit down to take it in.
* Anoi
Monday, July 12, 2010
Getting old...
working with older wiser and those who have lived a whole lot more than i...
i'm starting to see that, in our hmong community,
i dont know about other communities,
i'm sure they're all the same...
i realize that its not easy being hmong woman and old...
i see those who have been married
for just about ever, the they are lonely in their marriages,
kids are grown with their own families
to tend to, and the husband who has lost interest
and now having companionship with other
women who are looking for a husband to secure their hmong life,
and are single,
due to a death of their significant other or divorce, etc.
its hard...what side of the grass is greener?
the married hmong woman, has the married name,
but her husband is never mentally or physically there?
but they are still called to family functions and they
go together, because, just because the kids expect it
...and she still feels the sadness that he doesnt love her anymore,
and is enjoying his time and conversations with another...
or is it better to be the single hmong woman, who is ridiculed
and looked down upon by married hmong women, who think
she is looking to steal her husband, but she does have the full attention
of that husband that will talk to her...and they will truly enjoy being
with her...and talking to her, and paying attention to her?
hmong women never win. its such an unhappy life.
we live it, we dont love it, but we dont want to leave it
unsure of what's to come, hate to lose the 'husband' who doesnt
love and appreciate you anymore.
our lives and decisions arent easy, i see it in every stage of
a hmong womans life, i see it in the elders that come to my center
i see it in my mother in laws age group, i see it in those just a tad
older than myself, and of course there is my age group that is coming
to that fate, if not already in it... and then we lose all hope for those who
are getting married and currently so happy to begin their lives together
with the one they chose to marry... it's so sad that i think that marriages
wont last forever...its just temporary, something to do while we're living,
because men are so selfish and we women, will nag and push them to get out,
even though we dont want them to.
its sad to know that for generations and generations,
hmong women never make the decisions,
letting that 'husband' dictate our happiness...
because we are afraid to make a decision
and are afraid that if we make that decision and it becomes
a mistake we can never go back, like 'husbands' can...
i had/have a loving 'vang' family with no known divorces in my immediate
family...but i was very sheltered, i guess, now i'm grown and thrown to see
the real world...its so scary and the truth is always so unhappy and hurtful.
it stabs you over and over but you're still alive, you can't die to stop the pain
you just keep barely making it.
have a great day, and a great life.
because you dont want to always regret.
i'm starting to see that, in our hmong community,
i dont know about other communities,
i'm sure they're all the same...
i realize that its not easy being hmong woman and old...
i see those who have been married
for just about ever, the they are lonely in their marriages,
kids are grown with their own families
to tend to, and the husband who has lost interest
and now having companionship with other
women who are looking for a husband to secure their hmong life,
and are single,
due to a death of their significant other or divorce, etc.
its hard...what side of the grass is greener?
the married hmong woman, has the married name,
but her husband is never mentally or physically there?
but they are still called to family functions and they
go together, because, just because the kids expect it
...and she still feels the sadness that he doesnt love her anymore,
and is enjoying his time and conversations with another...
or is it better to be the single hmong woman, who is ridiculed
and looked down upon by married hmong women, who think
she is looking to steal her husband, but she does have the full attention
of that husband that will talk to her...and they will truly enjoy being
with her...and talking to her, and paying attention to her?
hmong women never win. its such an unhappy life.
we live it, we dont love it, but we dont want to leave it
unsure of what's to come, hate to lose the 'husband' who doesnt
love and appreciate you anymore.
our lives and decisions arent easy, i see it in every stage of
a hmong womans life, i see it in the elders that come to my center
i see it in my mother in laws age group, i see it in those just a tad
older than myself, and of course there is my age group that is coming
to that fate, if not already in it... and then we lose all hope for those who
are getting married and currently so happy to begin their lives together
with the one they chose to marry... it's so sad that i think that marriages
wont last forever...its just temporary, something to do while we're living,
because men are so selfish and we women, will nag and push them to get out,
even though we dont want them to.
its sad to know that for generations and generations,
hmong women never make the decisions,
letting that 'husband' dictate our happiness...
because we are afraid to make a decision
and are afraid that if we make that decision and it becomes
a mistake we can never go back, like 'husbands' can...
i had/have a loving 'vang' family with no known divorces in my immediate
family...but i was very sheltered, i guess, now i'm grown and thrown to see
the real world...its so scary and the truth is always so unhappy and hurtful.
it stabs you over and over but you're still alive, you can't die to stop the pain
you just keep barely making it.
have a great day, and a great life.
because you dont want to always regret.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Scary...
Fun for those youngsters...scared that my husband will kill my brother,
out of manliness.
Good day yesterday. Good thing he was the baby brother, didnt have to
prove too much with those big wannabe guys...the first night, went well.
He got here, we had a bbq for him, then off to bed everyone goes...work.
Then Thursday, fishing pontoon day, was a great day on the river for all
even my little kiddies...kinda scary though, all those kiddies and then a
cooler full of beer. DAMN them!
After it all was burnt, full of heat n sun, starving, we came home to bbq off
the last of our meats. Drink again...good thing my brother was so tired
he didnt let them push him into any further drinking, when enough came
around and his stomach was filled with bbq meats n beer, off to bed he went
without a care in the his thought for all the stupid clowning stuff that my
husband likes to do... that's great.
Tonight, my Thai comes in...theres the drink show off... but he's big and
maybe he can handle it... with all my uncles at the wedding too, we'll see.
We'll see who comes, who doesn't. We'll see. I want my brother to go the
the wedding, because it's our family, but also want the girls not to forget him
for any other late night outings. I want him to have fun, but not overdosed...
my parents would totally KILL me!
out of manliness.
Good day yesterday. Good thing he was the baby brother, didnt have to
prove too much with those big wannabe guys...the first night, went well.
He got here, we had a bbq for him, then off to bed everyone goes...work.
Then Thursday, fishing pontoon day, was a great day on the river for all
even my little kiddies...kinda scary though, all those kiddies and then a
cooler full of beer. DAMN them!
After it all was burnt, full of heat n sun, starving, we came home to bbq off
the last of our meats. Drink again...good thing my brother was so tired
he didnt let them push him into any further drinking, when enough came
around and his stomach was filled with bbq meats n beer, off to bed he went
without a care in the his thought for all the stupid clowning stuff that my
husband likes to do... that's great.
Tonight, my Thai comes in...theres the drink show off... but he's big and
maybe he can handle it... with all my uncles at the wedding too, we'll see.
We'll see who comes, who doesn't. We'll see. I want my brother to go the
the wedding, because it's our family, but also want the girls not to forget him
for any other late night outings. I want him to have fun, but not overdosed...
my parents would totally KILL me!
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