My request this year it to make it official.
No more LV purse, no more vacation weekend, no more dinner,
we can do that any time we want.
We have come a long way.
At 14 we met, we fell into puppy love.
At 16 we made a life commitment, despite our youth and our families.
At 17 I was working on the ginsing farm with you and your family.
At 18 we brought ThimXa into this world
and then added Izabella, AudreyAna, and Ezekiel to complete our family.
Now at 33, through the good and the bad we've come a long way to have
made it to 17 years of marriage, four children, and a business...
I'm ready and happy that we are going to make it official.
I'm so proud of us.
I can't wait to share our 20th anniversary, on the island, with our closest and dearest family and friends.
We've come so far, worked for so much.
This year, I'm ready and want to share your last name.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Giving up...
Everyday, I find myself finding, knowing, and learning more about life everyday.
My own life, my own families lives, the lives of the strong Hmong women that
have gone through so much, and still live to tell it everyday.
If we can get past this midlife crisis stage and be old, maybe we might be fine.
I don't know what to do, I'm drowning in truth. And the truth hurts. No more
childlike disillusion, no matter how much I try to cover it up, the truth of life
and getting old keeps poking its head up.
You never know, it may happen to you, how will you deal with it? How will you go on?
How can you win this fight for life, with your husband, with your kids, with yourself, with health.
When I think about it, I feel like giving up and think 'what if' I didn't take this path?
What if, I would never had had so many years of good with my husband, with my kids,
with my extended family. What if? What if my life was worse...what if it was better?
When I think about, just let it all fall into fate, then I think to myself, is fate really real?
Or do I manipulate my life to be where I would like it to be, to where I want it to be?
I've come this far, I don't want to just jump off, and fall into the darkness of fate...
I can't jump off, I can't fall now, I have come so far, I must go on, I must climb up
on this cliff, and make the best of my life, wherever it takes me. Letting my life be
what it is, and not live in envy, jealousy, or fear of whats to come or what has happend.
I must learn to just live. Just breathe. No one can be perfect. Nothing can be perfect.
Survive. Don't quit now. Things happen for a reason, and if good things happen, then
accept them humbly, if bad things happen, accept them as obstacles to overcome.
I have to just breathe and live.
I love my husband. I love my kiddies. I love myself. I love life.
My own life, my own families lives, the lives of the strong Hmong women that
have gone through so much, and still live to tell it everyday.
If we can get past this midlife crisis stage and be old, maybe we might be fine.
I don't know what to do, I'm drowning in truth. And the truth hurts. No more
childlike disillusion, no matter how much I try to cover it up, the truth of life
and getting old keeps poking its head up.
You never know, it may happen to you, how will you deal with it? How will you go on?
How can you win this fight for life, with your husband, with your kids, with yourself, with health.
When I think about it, I feel like giving up and think 'what if' I didn't take this path?
What if, I would never had had so many years of good with my husband, with my kids,
with my extended family. What if? What if my life was worse...what if it was better?
When I think about, just let it all fall into fate, then I think to myself, is fate really real?
Or do I manipulate my life to be where I would like it to be, to where I want it to be?
I've come this far, I don't want to just jump off, and fall into the darkness of fate...
I can't jump off, I can't fall now, I have come so far, I must go on, I must climb up
on this cliff, and make the best of my life, wherever it takes me. Letting my life be
what it is, and not live in envy, jealousy, or fear of whats to come or what has happend.
I must learn to just live. Just breathe. No one can be perfect. Nothing can be perfect.
Survive. Don't quit now. Things happen for a reason, and if good things happen, then
accept them humbly, if bad things happen, accept them as obstacles to overcome.
I have to just breathe and live.
I love my husband. I love my kiddies. I love myself. I love life.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Dear Husband,
I dont tell you much, although in my mind I did.
I appreciate you. I love you.
I see and feel everything that you do and did for me.
I loved you when we were just kids.
I still love you so much now.
After 17 years, I'm feeling insecure, because I think we have grown apart,
I dont know how to show you that I love you so much
or worry so much, and at all the wrong times, my anger creeps in,
when I should be forgiving. I know I will work on that.
I'm sorry, I embarrass us from time to time. I'm sorry for my foul
mouth. I know that if I do as you do, say as you say, we won't work.
I have learned so much from the elders that I live and work
with. There has to be patience and then more patience.
The outcome will be better.
We will grow old together. We will love one another.
Please forgive me. I know I am not perfect. I know I
have a short temper. But I am your wife, I will have to
control it more often.
Living Loving & Laughing
We've come so far with eachother.
I want us to go farther with eachother.
Appreciate eachother.
Love eachother.
Forgive eachother.
I love you husband.
I love our life that we've built together.
I love and appreciate everything we've done together,
been through together, and want to share the rest of everything together.
I want to share this with those who are reading it.
I love my husband. I appreciate my husband.
I dont tell you all enough. As with anyone and everyone,
we focus too much on the bad stuff...and forget the good stuff
until we actually sit down to take it in.
* Anoi
I appreciate you. I love you.
I see and feel everything that you do and did for me.
I loved you when we were just kids.
I still love you so much now.
After 17 years, I'm feeling insecure, because I think we have grown apart,
I dont know how to show you that I love you so much
or worry so much, and at all the wrong times, my anger creeps in,
when I should be forgiving. I know I will work on that.
I'm sorry, I embarrass us from time to time. I'm sorry for my foul
mouth. I know that if I do as you do, say as you say, we won't work.
I have learned so much from the elders that I live and work
with. There has to be patience and then more patience.
The outcome will be better.
We will grow old together. We will love one another.
Please forgive me. I know I am not perfect. I know I
have a short temper. But I am your wife, I will have to
control it more often.
Living Loving & Laughing
We've come so far with eachother.
I want us to go farther with eachother.
Appreciate eachother.
Love eachother.
Forgive eachother.
I love you husband.
I love our life that we've built together.
I love and appreciate everything we've done together,
been through together, and want to share the rest of everything together.
I want to share this with those who are reading it.
I love my husband. I appreciate my husband.
I dont tell you all enough. As with anyone and everyone,
we focus too much on the bad stuff...and forget the good stuff
until we actually sit down to take it in.
* Anoi
Monday, July 12, 2010
Getting old...
working with older wiser and those who have lived a whole lot more than i...
i'm starting to see that, in our hmong community,
i dont know about other communities,
i'm sure they're all the same...
i realize that its not easy being hmong woman and old...
i see those who have been married
for just about ever, the they are lonely in their marriages,
kids are grown with their own families
to tend to, and the husband who has lost interest
and now having companionship with other
women who are looking for a husband to secure their hmong life,
and are single,
due to a death of their significant other or divorce, etc.
its hard...what side of the grass is greener?
the married hmong woman, has the married name,
but her husband is never mentally or physically there?
but they are still called to family functions and they
go together, because, just because the kids expect it
...and she still feels the sadness that he doesnt love her anymore,
and is enjoying his time and conversations with another...
or is it better to be the single hmong woman, who is ridiculed
and looked down upon by married hmong women, who think
she is looking to steal her husband, but she does have the full attention
of that husband that will talk to her...and they will truly enjoy being
with her...and talking to her, and paying attention to her?
hmong women never win. its such an unhappy life.
we live it, we dont love it, but we dont want to leave it
unsure of what's to come, hate to lose the 'husband' who doesnt
love and appreciate you anymore.
our lives and decisions arent easy, i see it in every stage of
a hmong womans life, i see it in the elders that come to my center
i see it in my mother in laws age group, i see it in those just a tad
older than myself, and of course there is my age group that is coming
to that fate, if not already in it... and then we lose all hope for those who
are getting married and currently so happy to begin their lives together
with the one they chose to marry... it's so sad that i think that marriages
wont last forever...its just temporary, something to do while we're living,
because men are so selfish and we women, will nag and push them to get out,
even though we dont want them to.
its sad to know that for generations and generations,
hmong women never make the decisions,
letting that 'husband' dictate our happiness...
because we are afraid to make a decision
and are afraid that if we make that decision and it becomes
a mistake we can never go back, like 'husbands' can...
i had/have a loving 'vang' family with no known divorces in my immediate
family...but i was very sheltered, i guess, now i'm grown and thrown to see
the real world...its so scary and the truth is always so unhappy and hurtful.
it stabs you over and over but you're still alive, you can't die to stop the pain
you just keep barely making it.
have a great day, and a great life.
because you dont want to always regret.
i'm starting to see that, in our hmong community,
i dont know about other communities,
i'm sure they're all the same...
i realize that its not easy being hmong woman and old...
i see those who have been married
for just about ever, the they are lonely in their marriages,
kids are grown with their own families
to tend to, and the husband who has lost interest
and now having companionship with other
women who are looking for a husband to secure their hmong life,
and are single,
due to a death of their significant other or divorce, etc.
its hard...what side of the grass is greener?
the married hmong woman, has the married name,
but her husband is never mentally or physically there?
but they are still called to family functions and they
go together, because, just because the kids expect it
...and she still feels the sadness that he doesnt love her anymore,
and is enjoying his time and conversations with another...
or is it better to be the single hmong woman, who is ridiculed
and looked down upon by married hmong women, who think
she is looking to steal her husband, but she does have the full attention
of that husband that will talk to her...and they will truly enjoy being
with her...and talking to her, and paying attention to her?
hmong women never win. its such an unhappy life.
we live it, we dont love it, but we dont want to leave it
unsure of what's to come, hate to lose the 'husband' who doesnt
love and appreciate you anymore.
our lives and decisions arent easy, i see it in every stage of
a hmong womans life, i see it in the elders that come to my center
i see it in my mother in laws age group, i see it in those just a tad
older than myself, and of course there is my age group that is coming
to that fate, if not already in it... and then we lose all hope for those who
are getting married and currently so happy to begin their lives together
with the one they chose to marry... it's so sad that i think that marriages
wont last forever...its just temporary, something to do while we're living,
because men are so selfish and we women, will nag and push them to get out,
even though we dont want them to.
its sad to know that for generations and generations,
hmong women never make the decisions,
letting that 'husband' dictate our happiness...
because we are afraid to make a decision
and are afraid that if we make that decision and it becomes
a mistake we can never go back, like 'husbands' can...
i had/have a loving 'vang' family with no known divorces in my immediate
family...but i was very sheltered, i guess, now i'm grown and thrown to see
the real world...its so scary and the truth is always so unhappy and hurtful.
it stabs you over and over but you're still alive, you can't die to stop the pain
you just keep barely making it.
have a great day, and a great life.
because you dont want to always regret.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Scary...
Fun for those youngsters...scared that my husband will kill my brother,
out of manliness.
Good day yesterday. Good thing he was the baby brother, didnt have to
prove too much with those big wannabe guys...the first night, went well.
He got here, we had a bbq for him, then off to bed everyone goes...work.
Then Thursday, fishing pontoon day, was a great day on the river for all
even my little kiddies...kinda scary though, all those kiddies and then a
cooler full of beer. DAMN them!
After it all was burnt, full of heat n sun, starving, we came home to bbq off
the last of our meats. Drink again...good thing my brother was so tired
he didnt let them push him into any further drinking, when enough came
around and his stomach was filled with bbq meats n beer, off to bed he went
without a care in the his thought for all the stupid clowning stuff that my
husband likes to do... that's great.
Tonight, my Thai comes in...theres the drink show off... but he's big and
maybe he can handle it... with all my uncles at the wedding too, we'll see.
We'll see who comes, who doesn't. We'll see. I want my brother to go the
the wedding, because it's our family, but also want the girls not to forget him
for any other late night outings. I want him to have fun, but not overdosed...
my parents would totally KILL me!
out of manliness.
Good day yesterday. Good thing he was the baby brother, didnt have to
prove too much with those big wannabe guys...the first night, went well.
He got here, we had a bbq for him, then off to bed everyone goes...work.
Then Thursday, fishing pontoon day, was a great day on the river for all
even my little kiddies...kinda scary though, all those kiddies and then a
cooler full of beer. DAMN them!
After it all was burnt, full of heat n sun, starving, we came home to bbq off
the last of our meats. Drink again...good thing my brother was so tired
he didnt let them push him into any further drinking, when enough came
around and his stomach was filled with bbq meats n beer, off to bed he went
without a care in the his thought for all the stupid clowning stuff that my
husband likes to do... that's great.
Tonight, my Thai comes in...theres the drink show off... but he's big and
maybe he can handle it... with all my uncles at the wedding too, we'll see.
We'll see who comes, who doesn't. We'll see. I want my brother to go the
the wedding, because it's our family, but also want the girls not to forget him
for any other late night outings. I want him to have fun, but not overdosed...
my parents would totally KILL me!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The grass is greener...
So my husband says to me...'Pick a side', not everyone will like you,
there will be some who like you and everything about you, those who
only like you sometimes... and there will be those you will be enviously hating you,
because they don't have what you have and like what you like, and then
there will be those who just plainly don't like you.
I keep dreaming about her, and she's not even a great
friend, but the friend, who used to be
a friend, I met her back in High School, we became
friends, and now she's married to them, and they hated
her, but more importantly they hate me, so she tries
so hard to be on their side, and hates me along with
them...how long will that last. I just, in my own delusion
think that I didn't do anything wrong and that she
being my so called 'friend' should think for herself
and not follow the group...ugh oh well...
I guess in life, people are always thinking that
grass is greener on the other side...little do they know that
...its kinda dark in the shadows, patchy spots of yellow mugness,
and then of course there are those perfect spots of fabulously
green grass...
Everyone worked for what they have...
I think I worked hard to get to where I am, and for what I have.
But I dont have everything. I guess some people are envious, some
are jealous, and thank goodness for those few who are genuinely happy for me.
I'm getting old, have four almost to be grown children, I guess its
right like my husband says...'Pick a Side' and I guess I should
think, to be my good friend, you know that I have my crazy ADD disorder
but you still love me, know that I more than occasionally say things that are inappropriate
but forgive me, because that's me...I'm mid life...if you don't like it, you won't like
me, I couldn't change it before, I can't change it now so that you'll be my friend.
I have my crazy quirks, but if you know me, I genuinely love my family and friends
and if you're in my circle...I do anything for you...and mostly not ever ask for anything
in return, not even payment...accept for tolerating me...genuinely.
I grew up with my husband and then quickly grew a small family
within the extended family, so I didnt have 'time' like most to make
friends and go out.
I followed the directions of all my parents both IL and my own to
hopefully not make a mistake and only get the best of it
Just now am I getting to live life to the fullest, having come almost
fully circle, with my husband, my children, my inlaws, my career, my business,
my happiness, and coming up soon here, my reestablished credit and hopeful
money generation for my future.
Don't think that I didn't work for it. I did.
And now my grass is mostly green...don't hate.
Just work on yours, it'll get there soon.
there will be some who like you and everything about you, those who
only like you sometimes... and there will be those you will be enviously hating you,
because they don't have what you have and like what you like, and then
there will be those who just plainly don't like you.
I keep dreaming about her, and she's not even a great
friend, but the friend, who used to be
a friend, I met her back in High School, we became
friends, and now she's married to them, and they hated
her, but more importantly they hate me, so she tries
so hard to be on their side, and hates me along with
them...how long will that last. I just, in my own delusion
think that I didn't do anything wrong and that she
being my so called 'friend' should think for herself
and not follow the group...ugh oh well...
I guess in life, people are always thinking that
grass is greener on the other side...little do they know that
...its kinda dark in the shadows, patchy spots of yellow mugness,
and then of course there are those perfect spots of fabulously
green grass...
Everyone worked for what they have...
I think I worked hard to get to where I am, and for what I have.
But I dont have everything. I guess some people are envious, some
are jealous, and thank goodness for those few who are genuinely happy for me.
I'm getting old, have four almost to be grown children, I guess its
right like my husband says...'Pick a Side' and I guess I should
think, to be my good friend, you know that I have my crazy ADD disorder
but you still love me, know that I more than occasionally say things that are inappropriate
but forgive me, because that's me...I'm mid life...if you don't like it, you won't like
me, I couldn't change it before, I can't change it now so that you'll be my friend.
I have my crazy quirks, but if you know me, I genuinely love my family and friends
and if you're in my circle...I do anything for you...and mostly not ever ask for anything
in return, not even payment...accept for tolerating me...genuinely.
I grew up with my husband and then quickly grew a small family
within the extended family, so I didnt have 'time' like most to make
friends and go out.
I followed the directions of all my parents both IL and my own to
hopefully not make a mistake and only get the best of it
Just now am I getting to live life to the fullest, having come almost
fully circle, with my husband, my children, my inlaws, my career, my business,
my happiness, and coming up soon here, my reestablished credit and hopeful
money generation for my future.
Don't think that I didn't work for it. I did.
And now my grass is mostly green...don't hate.
Just work on yours, it'll get there soon.
Little Black Dress...
With my cousins wedding a week away...I haven't taken the initiative to go shopping
until last night...spent the sunny part of the evening indoors at Mall of America...boo hoo me.
I know I have some dresses...BUT i wanted to get another...or two.
I get to thinking...should I do the simple black dress? NAWWW the many others definately will...
I could wear something as crazy flashy like this...but then again, it'd still just be another black dress.
I could wear something kinda cute like this, with all the frilly stuffs...but then again, it'd still just be another black dress.
So this is my version of the little black dress... it isnt black at all...but copper browns with some bit of leopard black print. i love being out there. standing out. to a certain degree.
i could go along with something so simple elegant like a white dress with black polkas on it...like this long dior...but couldnt find anything so classy and nicely form fitting like this.
so my last resort...nordstrom rack...because i'm a balla on a budget...
i chose my new favorite color of the season...fushia...magenta... elie tahari dress...almost form fitting...not like this in the photo, but nice enough.
i have to find some accessories and a belt.
i found these totally cute coach heels with metal for the nice thin heels but sorry didnt take a photo of them. i usually hate coach, because every girl with some money thinks that coach is classy... coach is not class. but these dang coach heels are THE only thing coach i would definitely wear.
its too bad that weddings these days...the biggest day of the bride n grooms life...we as guests take so little time and pride to share it with them...many of us are about, the excuse to get dressed up and go to their wedding, as if it were an obligation..., and then stay only until the dinner hour is over, then go off into the club scene...
i know that my cousins wife is so excited for her wedding, its all she been planning for all year long, fussing and fighting with the vendors of food, linen, photography, flowers, and i'm sure the many others. im totally excited for her too, but its so real to see what i see over and over at other weddings...no matter how many friends you have, you dont have many that stay to spend the entire night with you...
i realize that now...that i'm a much older part of my relationship now, im not sure that i would want to spend $20k or more on just a wedding for just any guest list...i know it means alot to them, and they're so excited, for their special day...but if they only know now, what i know...but everyone has their turn of life cycle...i know that when i spend that amount or more on my 20th mark of a marriage anniversary...i want it to be extra special for the extra close friends and family...maybe gonna fly my immediate family to that secluded island and have the best day/week ever with them...i can't decide and i can't wait to see what comes of my 20 year anniversary planning...three years in advance! i better make it the best years ever!
until last night...spent the sunny part of the evening indoors at Mall of America...boo hoo me.
I know I have some dresses...BUT i wanted to get another...or two.
I get to thinking...should I do the simple black dress? NAWWW the many others definately will...
I could wear something as crazy flashy like this...but then again, it'd still just be another black dress.
I could wear something kinda cute like this, with all the frilly stuffs...but then again, it'd still just be another black dress.
So this is my version of the little black dress... it isnt black at all...but copper browns with some bit of leopard black print. i love being out there. standing out. to a certain degree.
i could go along with something so simple elegant like a white dress with black polkas on it...like this long dior...but couldnt find anything so classy and nicely form fitting like this.
so my last resort...nordstrom rack...because i'm a balla on a budget...
i chose my new favorite color of the season...fushia...magenta... elie tahari dress...almost form fitting...not like this in the photo, but nice enough.
i have to find some accessories and a belt.
i found these totally cute coach heels with metal for the nice thin heels but sorry didnt take a photo of them. i usually hate coach, because every girl with some money thinks that coach is classy... coach is not class. but these dang coach heels are THE only thing coach i would definitely wear.
its too bad that weddings these days...the biggest day of the bride n grooms life...we as guests take so little time and pride to share it with them...many of us are about, the excuse to get dressed up and go to their wedding, as if it were an obligation..., and then stay only until the dinner hour is over, then go off into the club scene...
i know that my cousins wife is so excited for her wedding, its all she been planning for all year long, fussing and fighting with the vendors of food, linen, photography, flowers, and i'm sure the many others. im totally excited for her too, but its so real to see what i see over and over at other weddings...no matter how many friends you have, you dont have many that stay to spend the entire night with you...
i realize that now...that i'm a much older part of my relationship now, im not sure that i would want to spend $20k or more on just a wedding for just any guest list...i know it means alot to them, and they're so excited, for their special day...but if they only know now, what i know...but everyone has their turn of life cycle...i know that when i spend that amount or more on my 20th mark of a marriage anniversary...i want it to be extra special for the extra close friends and family...maybe gonna fly my immediate family to that secluded island and have the best day/week ever with them...i can't decide and i can't wait to see what comes of my 20 year anniversary planning...three years in advance! i better make it the best years ever!
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